


Not Just 'The Gloomy Kid' Anymore

by xXx_Dreamer_at_heart_xXx



Category: Horimiya
Genre: Canon Compliant, Change is scary but can be liberating, F/M, Fitting In, Haircuts, High School, Ikkun, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Labels, Piercings, Self-Harm, Tattoos, outcast
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-12 05:34:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29380023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xXx_Dreamer_at_heart_xXx/pseuds/xXx_Dreamer_at_heart_xXx
Summary: Miyamura came into school that day holding Hori's hand. The words of their classmates are only a reminder of Miyamura's gloominess and how he is different. He worries it is hurting Hori. However their classmates are questioning the validity their relationship. Miyamura is tired of it all - the judgemental eyes and disbelief that he is dating Hori.
Relationships: Hori Kyouko/Miyamura Izumi, Hori Kyousuke & Miyamura Izumi
Comments: 6
Kudos: 60





	Not Just 'The Gloomy Kid' Anymore

The footsteps I take seem so loud, but their voices overshadow everything; they echo with every heavy step forward I make. I try to keep my feet moving onward, however my head glancing toward the ground gives me away. If only I could keep my head held high...

I attempt to hold my breath in; like it'll hide my existence. Yet it doesn't, as their eyes look down at me… they all know. They all know I'm unworthy. Sadly that's nothing new. Their judging eyes are all-telling. 

I'm another label; different to everyone else. Will I ever be accepted? I only tried to fade into the background in school so it would not bother anyone. It didn't really interfere with anyone, until now. 

I have become visible because I was invited through the door of a classmate months ago, and throughout that time I actually got to know _her_ ; Hori-san.

Hori and I, we walk through the school side by side. My hands are wrapped around Horis' own. Unfortunately it has caused a stir. This, this is what I had hoped to avoid; bringing attention to myself which will only cause everyone to see who I am. That's why I tried to conform to what they wanted: keeping my head down, keeping to myself, and staying silent.

When eventually entering the classroom, the questions being asked seem to seperate us. Hori-san seems to be bombarded with endless questions, although piercing eyes are glancing at me. In all directions they stare. The disbelief is written all over their faces. The words they whisper in the hallways, I hear.

****

**"How is someone like _that_ with her?"**

**"He's totally out of her league."**

**"Hori is going out with that gloomy guy! Insane, right?"**

**"Eww... why him?"**

**"I'd make a better boyfriend!"**

**"Why is Hori going out with Mr Gloomy?"**

_Am I good enough?_

They think I don't see them, but I know from the looks of disbelief and disgust. I shouldn't care because she accepts me. Except part of me does; unlike those dark faces who consider appearance to be the most important thing. Yet Hori doesn't care about that. 

That's what I like most about her; she didn't judge me based on my appearance. She isn't quick to judge - only on people's actions, their personalities and character. The few conversations we ever had when we were strangers, Hori was only kind. She didn't look at me and label me gloomy.

All this attention that everyone has on us, Hori doesn't mind it - but I do. She shouldn't have to explain or justify anything to anyone. Even so, her comforting words aren't making me feel warm. It's like trying to put a bandaid on a wound that won't ever heal. Still, that's not her fault - it's my own. It's my own, because I'm the one who is insecure! 

Any reassurances are ineffective, as all I hear are the very comments; reminiscent of my days in middle school. Internally, I hear all the mean words whispered into my ear like a distant memory. It's almost like reliving a nightmare I'll never awake from. I don't want Hori to live the same hell I lived; to be ignored, judged... I won't let her experience that. I don't want her life to change at the expense of me. I couldn't live with myself if she was forced to go through the same experiences I had in middle school. 

I know I'm different. But I can't lose her... not because I choose to hide. I can't help it - that I'm still that gloomy kid that no one wanted to be seen friends with. 

I have to stop running, however I'm unsure how to.

It may not bother Hori, but I can't stand back and lose her. I refuse to let myself be the reason for Hori to lose everything. I won't let her suffer for me. 

The kind words from my friends I am so thankful for. If I hadn't met them I'm unsure where I'd be. I can't imagine what my life would be like if I hadn't met Shindou. I don't know that I'd still be here if I hadn't befriended him. 

And if I hadn't met Hori? My world wouldn't be endless possibilities. Before getting to know her, I'd barely been speaking a word to any of my classmates. Since then, I've been actually enjoying school. Talking to classmates was a rarity in the past. It's crazy that I've held a conversation with more than a few people; who I consider friends. I'm so thankful I have friends because she opened her world to me. Hori could've kept the door shut, but she accepted me and let me through. 

As much as I don't believe it some days, I know I belong somewhere. My friends accept me; know who I am. Just like how I found acceptance for myself after the many piercings I inflicted upon myself. 

However those hatred filled eyes that surround me are blind. They can't even recognise anything that isn't based on appearances. 

Beyond everything Hori sees me as myself. I need everyone just to get a glimpse... because she let me in when most people wouldn't unlock the door. They didn't even bother to have a conversation with me because I'm awkward and appear gloomy. 

I said I'd change for her and I guess now's the time. Because I like her... a lot. 

She accepted me; saw past everything. Hori sees past the piercings, the tattoos - even my hair. None of it ever bothered her. She just sees me - even though I can't see who I am. 

I believe their cruel words because I was the very definition of gloomy those days in Middle School. How could I be happy, when I was left out constantly? I was just so lost. It was so lonely those days.

I can't lose her just because I'm gloomy. I refuse to be who I was back then. I can't be that kid who sat at the school desk letting the world blacken; just by closing his eyes and fading from existence. By ignoring the around world me, I had let myself become circulsive; alone.

I cannot go back those days. Not when I've had so many new experiences because I met Hori. My world is so much brighter than it used to be. 

As I breathe out, I turn my back towards them; the ignorant blinded classmates. I feel them watching behind me with judging eyes. I just wish I could be left alone and not scrutinised for appearing different. My fingertips play with the ends of my hair; I guess changing is the answer. 

With that thought in mind, I then get up my chair; moving quickly to leave the classroom before the teacher arrives. 

Within seconds of exiting the room I proceed to send a text to Ishikawa, telling him _'I'll be back later'._

I then rush out of the school grounds. I run home knowing I have to change. The crazy thing is I actually want to change. 

I used to just want the world to leave me alone. Things are different at present, as I'm not alone anymore. Hori doesn't realise it; that she is amazing! She has made me realise so many things. I've learnt so much about life and myself through her. Hori accepted me before I've even thought about accepting myself. 

I want to see the person l have become. I need to stop hiding behind these masks I've created over the years. These glasses aren't me. This hair just hides my face and my piercings. I'm just hiding - and I'm tired of it!  
I grew it out to hide my ears; in the hopes it would lessen the mean words I'd hear. As well, to not draw attention to myself as piercings are more conspicuous than long hair. 

Entering my house I head straight to the bathroom and grab a pair of scissors and a comb. I also grab a rubbish bag from the kitchen and some old newspaper. I go to my room, locking the door behind me. This moment is for myself, no-one else. 

I place pieces of newspaper on the floor surrounding me in front of a mirror. I proceed to sit down on the newspaper by placing the scissors and comb on the floor. I look up at the reflection. 

The mirror can't speak back at me, but it presents to me an image I want to change. I never wanted to alter my appearance until now. The dark hair has grown out to cover my scared eyes and to hide the damage I did to myself, as I kept grabbing safety pins to make holes; that wouldn't stop bleeding. Something that actually cried in pain unlike my eyes - that would refuse to shed tears after being rejected so many times.

I can't be the same as then. Piercing my ears won't heal broken wounds. I need to show everything (except the tattoos). Because I can't move forward if I can't be honest with myself. 

_It is time._

I gather my hair into a ponytail; putting a hair tie around the strands. I exhale outwardly, pausing in hesitancy as I placed my left hand around the long strands of hair tightly. I then pick up off the floor and raise the metal scissors with my right hand. I open the scissors, and place the blades above the hair tie. 

_I can do this._

I shut my eyes as I press the scissors closed; as they shorten my long strands. I move the blades through my hair until the long strands are no longer attached.

I open my eyes and look at my reflection. I laugh outwardly as my hair is a mess. I then look at the hair in my hands. This hair has allowed me to hide and it was like a security blanket. Though it only ever protected me from ignoring reality. Everyone still saw me. The more gloomy I appeared in middle school, the more that people turned away. 

I sigh at the reflection. There's no getting that time back. I put the hair on the ground and place my right fingers back through the scissors. 

I go through and shorten my bangs. I also try to neaten up my strands. This isn't like other times I've cut my hair as I've never cut it short by myself. 

Finally, after one last snip, I stare at reflecting prodding and searching through the strands on my head; to ensure it's neat enough. I then place the scissors on the floor.

Then I face the mirror and truly look at myself. I blink a few times; feeling tears in my eyes. They ran down my cheek, where I felt my mouth moving to smile. My hair is so short. Everything can be seen: my eyes, nose, mouth… my whole face. And my piercings - I guess that's unfortunate, I won't be able to hide them. 

I run my hands through my shortened strands. There are no knots! My hair was always getting caught between my fingers. 

The reflection doesn't change; my mouth doesn't stop grinning. I didn't give myself a bad haircut. That would've been embarrassing and I would've probably had to explain myself to whoever had to fix it. 

_I just Hori doesn't kill me -_

I falter. 

_Crap - she will._

I probably should have at least told her. I don't think she would've minded, however a warning might've prepared her. She may have tried to stop me, but she would've understood why I did what I did. 

Though this, this wasn't just for her. This was for me to let go; to not keep looking back. This is a new start because I'm not who I used to be. She made me realise I have to be seen in order to live. Shutting everything and everyone out isn't living. 

I did this also to find myself. Because if I can't see myself, how can anyone else? Still Hori did amongst everything. For years I've been searching for who I want to be. The labels they put on my back were all I knew. 

All these black strands littered on the floor filled with resentment and regret for not letting it go for so long, are my past. I'm finally free from who I was. I'm not going to keep living as the gloomy boy. I'm more than that. 

I clean up the cut hair by folding the pieces of newspaper and placing it in a plastic bag. I then put it in the corner of the room to deal with later. 

I get a different uniform for school and stuff for my shower to get off the stray hairs that are stick stuck to me. After showering I get dressed and grab my bag, ready head back to school. I leave glasses behind. I don't need them. I can see perfectly fine now.

My steps this time are without doubt. I'm nervous, nonetheless a little bit excited at the change too to my appearance. I begin to head out the door; back to school when -

"Ikkun! Is that you?" My Mum's voice calls out behind me.

I turn around to face her; blushing at the use of that name. I shyly look at her, "Yeah."

Mum's face grows with surprise and into a smile. "You cut your hair."

I nod, "I did."

Mum places a hand in my hair and ruffles it. Her voice is filled with disbelief, "Can't believe it's actually short." her voice quietens as tears up; her eyes begin watering.

I'm taken aback and try to hide behind my hair. Yet there's nothing to hide behind. 

Mum continues speaking, "Only a few years ago I was trying to convince you to not get tattoos done by my idiot brother… only to find out he'd mostly finished them.

"Not long after that, then you pierced your ears and the blood stained the pillow cases. You also grew out your hair." She sighs, "Me and your Dad just wanted you to be happy, but you weren't."

"I wasn't… for a long time," my voice comes out in a whisper. 

"That's why we let you do what you wanted. None of that stuff mattered. Admittedly we were scared for a while." Mum explains, "I confess, initially we asked you to help out at the bakery more so it'd take your mind off of stuff. But also to keep an eye on you… Because we were worried." 

"That makes a lot of sense," I nod at her words. It makes sense now why Mum and Dad insisted on me helping at the bakery. 

"You barely talked when everything was bad for you. So we figured any way we could even just listen to your voice, we'd take it. Thus why we wanted you at the front of the store." Her actions make so much sense now. 

"Really?" I listen to her words. Mum and Dad were always worried. They tried so hard: Mum and Dad; to make me have some normal semblance of a life. 

I smile."Thank you Mum. I'm so thankful to you and Dad. You accepted me through everything." I sigh, "I just wish everyone at school was. They see 'different' and avoid it like it's an allergy."

"Is that why you cut your hair?" Mum enquiries with her eyebrow raised. 

"It was the main reason. Just didn't realise how good it'd feel," my smile beams at her. 

Mum's voice is warm, "You've grown so much this year. You let in more than just a few people. "I'm so proud of you." 

She continues running her fingers in my hair as she pulls me into a tight hug. I grin as I put my arms around her.

Mum then grabs her phone out of her pocket "Before you go can I get a photo of you?"

I raise an eyebrow at her, "Why?"

"Well you cut your hair and your Dad hasn't seen it yet." Mum also adds, "This is also like a milestone. We've got to have evidence of moments we're proud of in life." 

Mum snaps a photo excitedly. She then proceeds to kiss me on the cheek and heads out the door giddily. I can already imagine her squealing in a high pitch voice to My Dad _'Honey! Ikkun cut his hair short!'_

I put my shoes and lock the door behind me, then head back to school. I try to keep my head up, but I'm too fearful of reactions. The only opinion that matters is Hori-sans'.

I walk through the entrance of the school grounds, heading toward my classroom. As I arrive, inevitably people turn their toward me and stare. Some gasp, some point their fingers, while others stare. 

Funny isn't it? Their words change from sigh to awe. Again, everything seems to be based on appearances. 

I step forward towards Hori, my shoes squeaking against the floor with every step I take. Finally I reach her, pressing two fingers against the back of one of her shoulders. I just hope she doesn't react too badly at the changes to my appearance. 

Hori turns her head in my direction, tilting her head in confusion. Hori scrunches up her eyelids, as she is trying to figure out who is talking to her. Hori's eyes grow, "Oh my god! What did you do?" Her mouth is wide in shock. She then proceeds to grab me by the arm and drag me elsewhere; alone.

We end up outside the school buildings on a tennis court.

Hor holds my arm slides down to my hand as her fingers connect with mine. She smiles sadly, "You actually cut your hair."

"I did," I smile unsurely as I hesitate to speak, "do you like it?" 

Hori raises her both hands towards my hair and runs her fingers through the shortened strands, "Yes," her face grows with fondness, "You cut it yourself?"

I nodded, "Yeah. Thankfully I didn't need someone to fix it."

"You look so different Miyamura-kun. It suits you." She keeps playing with my hair, "I will miss putting the ponytail though."

I laugh, "Me too. I'd had long hair for so long, it feels weird that it's short."

Hori hands lowered into mine, "I know you liked it long and kept it that way to hide the piercings." Her voice becomes smaller as she speaks in concern. "But why did you cut your hair?."

I admit to Hori, "I couldn't stand all the comments. You don't deserve that!" It was so infuriating. I hate feeling powerless. This was the only thing I could think of. 

Hori looks sadly at me. "That shouldn't be the reason why you did this! You shouldn't change to appease them." She continued, her voice quietening, "Who cares what they think. I only care what you think."

I confess, "It was the reason at first I did it. But I've heard how gloomy I am since middle school. I had no confidence, and I was so alone." I look into Hori's eyes, "I've changed since I've met you. I didn't realise I had. I don't feel alone anymore." I continue to explain, "I have people that support me. You opened me up to your world. Of course everyone would see. I hid from the world for so long. I didn't want it to get hard on you."

"So you did cut it for me," she sighs. 

I speak guiltily, "I did," as a smile graces my face. "But when I did, I found myself; a side of myself that I couldn't see before." I hold Hori's hand, "Thank you Hori-san. You've given me so much. You let me in, when everyone shut me out."

"Miyamura-kun," she whispers softly, "you too have accepted all sides of me." Hori puts her hand on my head, "so you're happy with it like this, your hair? You don't regret cutting it?"

Her warm hands smoothly weave in and out my hair. "I'm happy Hori-san. I didn't realise how liberating it would be."

"It really does look good Miyamura-kun," Hori cheeks darken as her eyes fondly look into mine. 

My face becomes red at her words and with the way she looks at me. 

Hori grins, "I love seeing your face. You look best when I can see you - whether it's like this or it's your hair tied up or half up. I just like seeing you."

"Thank you Hori-san," I blush.

Hori clears her throat in embarrassment, "Miyamura-kun, are you going to grow it again?"

I admit, "I'm not sure," l then question, "do you prefer it like this or before?"

"I prefer whatever you choose. As long as I can see your face." Hori looks cheekily at me, "And once your hair grows a bit I want to tie it up!"

I laugh "Of course," I pause, "we should probably head back in."

Hori nods in confirmation. I grasp her hand as we head back to class. I wish I never had to let it go. 

As we get closer to the classroom. I can feel a deep scowl grow on Hori's face as people stare at us. Her hands are almost squeezing my hand to the point of hurting my fingers. 

Class eventually begins. We go to our own desks. This doesn't deter anyone. The occasional girl will stare; trying to be subtle about. Hori looks ready to destroy everything insight as she presses her pencil against the page. She always pays close attention to the lesson. However the scowl on her face does not dissipate. Hori doesn't pay attention to the fact she's already broken the sharpened lead more than 5 times already. She keeps grabbing fresh ones from her pencil case. How many she has, is unknown. 

I don't look away from her. Everyone else doesn't matter. Finally there's a break, however I have multiple phones pointed at me. That doesn't stop Hori from one-upping the other girls.

They; those girls don't matter. No-one else has ever looked at me the way Hori has - no matter how I appeared (once she knew who I was). I was pretty unmemorable. 

I weave my hand through Horis' and walk out of the classroom. She doesn't have to compete. She's beautiful inside and out. No matter what she wears or if she wears make-up or not, she has the most beautiful soul. She is more precious to me than anything. Hori is fair-minded. For that, I'm so thankful. I honestly didn't think I would ever meet anyone who would accept every part of me. 

Hori knows and understands why I did what I did. Though their reactions don't even equate to how I feel about you Hori. You mean so much to me. No matter how I looked, you always treated me the same. That's what I admire about you.

Because of you Hori, I got the chance to explore parts of myself I was too scared to even consider exploring. 

Now when I look in the mirror now nothing hides my face. I don't see that gloomy kid anymore. It all started the day I met you, and ever since I raised the scissors to my hair, it's like that scared, lonely, gloomy boy is gone. I realise I am more than the labels and all the negative things I thought about myself. 

What is here in front of the mirror is a man with piercings that are obviously there (as my hair is too short to hide them), trying to hide the tattoos until school ends, who wants to enjoy his time at school with his friends and classmates with remainder of his last year of high school, who also does his best even though his grades aren't at the standard they should be. This man is also hesitant to get anymore tattoos as his girlfriend knows it's difficult to hide them already, however Souta's suggestions are heavily kept in my mind for the future. 

This man is unafraid of anything - except losing Hori and Hori's scary horror movies. I also can't negate her anger, as it's terrifying… very terrifying. 

If I hadn't met Hori, things would be so different. The person peering back would look very different. 

The reflection is clear; clearer than it ever was, that I am in love with Hori. 

And because of her; Hori, I'm not alone anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> I discovered this series by watching Hori-san to Miyamura-kun OVAs more than 5 years ago. I'm so happy that Horimiya became a tv series! 
> 
> I've read Horimiya more than a few times, but I am absolutely horrible with names. In this story my main focus was Miyamura and Hori when writing this. As I completed this I started to memorise the other characters' names from rereading the manga and watching the new series. Some characters have similar appearances at times which doesn't help differentiate other characters (particularly in the manga). 
> 
> Admittedly, I began writing this more than a year ago (could be 2 or 3 years old for all I know. I think the idea came to me in 2018 and I wrote a few paragraphs). I'm happy this piece is completed. But not being able to help myself, I wrote a sort-of companion piece in Hori's perspective (work in progress). 
> 
> I'm unsure about laws about tattoos in Japan. I think they're allowed with permission when you're a certain age (even though it's taboo). In Australia the legal age is 18. I'm unsure if you can get it done earlier here. But I'd assume that for Miyamura at a younger age would have permission/ or knew someone who does tattoos. 
> 
> Also if there are any major errors, please let me know. Google docs doesn't really give you grammatical errors. I probably overused commas. I thought better to have them, than not to have enough of them.


End file.
